Spiders, spiders everywhere!

So I have this fear...Ok, it's closer to a phobia really. I have worked hard in my life to get over my fear of spiders, to not be obvious about it so as not to pass this along to my children. However, it has recently become evident to me that I am less "over it" than I have pretended. I suppose I should back up. This fall we found a fantastic place to land for the school year. It is a small cabin we are renting out from people who needed to go abroad for work. The idea was that we could park in the driveway and stay in the bus and, then, if we needed someplace warmer for a cold winter, we could move indoors. Rent was rent regardless. I was excited about the prospect of a space to use IF WE NEEDED IT, but had no intention of coming out of the bus. Long story short, the children had other ideas :) Day one bins started moving from the bus into the cabin and they set up shop. NO! I thought. I am NOT cleaning TWO places and looking everywhere for my stuff, which no longer lives in the place I always put it!

The kids, however, were loving their new found space to stretch out in...especially to get away from each other when they needed to. OK...fine. I can't disagree with them getting needed space and I could use the living room to set up a homeschool area. This worked well for a while, but I was NOT about to give up my bed. Especially since, and I reveal this at the expense of possibly losing potential house guests, there was a spider problem.

What's the big deal? They are just spiders, right? NOOOOOOO!!!! I have worked my way backwards from fear of spiders to holding daddy long legs, brushing out other lessor scary web-builders and even leaving spiders in their roost for weeks or months at a time to prove I could handle having them there. They aren't going to hurt you, right? Luckily, in this cabin we don't have the hobo spiders that are common to the area...but we do have WOLF SPIDERS!!! My least favorite, next to tarantulas. When they run across the room, not only can you hear them, but I often mistake them for a mouse (which I prefer). The first morning there were TWO GIANT ONES sitting next to us in the corner (vacuumed). The second day one ran out from under the table TOWARDS the youngest and made aggressive moves AS IF IT WERE GOING TO ATTACK HER!!! (she had a panic attack and still looks under the table). I found 23 WOLF SPIDERS IN THREE WEEKS (more than one a day)!!!!!! I wouldn't sit on the couch for almost a month after seeing one on it. I saw one run towards the guinea pigs and they ran!!!! For two months I shook out every thing I picked up off of a floor, chair, stairs, etc in case one was hiding - waiting to pounce at me.

The covered word in this pic says "wonder", but in this case the word "spiders" applies equally. But I started to really think about that...I started to WONDER about SPIDERS, which I will come back to in a moment. In the meantime, we started up with a new year of homeschooling and another year as a part of the "Spider" homeschool group, coincidentally.

Or was it a coincidence? Homeschooling is something I also had a bit of a fear of. Not a phobia, per se. But I definitely project an air of comfortability about it that I think a real homeschooler doesn't always feel. And why is that? I think because there is always doubt put on you from others who do not support or understand homeschooling and always, always, in everything self-doubt. Am I doing the right thing? Are they learning enough? Do they have enough time with peers? What will they do next? I also don't like it when scary things that I cannot control or know little about jump out at me from some dark place. And it is the same to be a homeschooler. The unknown. There is no routine, unless I make it. There is no real right and wrong. There are no clear cut lines between grades or ages or abilities or identities. There is this blur of time and space and moving with it and the unknown and a fluidity that can be terrifying.

And enlightening. And homeschool is just that. When it is needed, that fluidity, it calls to you and you (if time and money and inclination all point in your favor) become a homeschooler. And when it stops speaking to you or one or more of your children, you step back into that place of structure. That hard, fast learning super-highway that, if you hold on tight, will speed you through a barrage of information and offer you a framework to live by. It is all about what each individual and each family needs and about balance.

I watch families maneuver in and out of these systems. Some feeling too pressured within the brick and mortar to be able to excel and some feeling not enough challenge from either system. I am grateful that we can see benefits in every direction and are open and fluid enough to move with our needs. I am also grateful to have experienced both sides. Grateful for the people we deal with in our caring Spider community and the people I meet from brick and mortar who are supportive of all schooling regardless of what it looks like. And, for now, when I let go of those judgemental, self-effacing voices in my head and think of all the things we have learned (because it is a we), and all the things they know and are preparing for, I breathe and slow and calm. They will go on and on and on. Learning.

Some things we have been working with lately... writing our own stories, shadow puppetry, designing and sewing our own dolls, escher-style drawings and the mathematics of geometry, the AWESOMENESS of Science World, felting, visiting art studios and seeing their tools, balance and movement/jiu jitzu, poetry and acrostic poems, more book binding, math games, great books (like Cinder-Eyed Cats, Richard Scarry, 39 Clues, LOTR, etc.), lego (always) and sword-making (always), guitar and even more!

At home we lost power in the bus one night and I quickly realized that I could no longer hold off sleeping in the house. The gig was up. So, I started to research spiders a bit - specifically wolf spiders. There is, as I mentioned, fear in the unknown. Maybe if I learned more I would be less fearful. Here is what I found out: Wolf spiders are not web-builders. They hide in a dark spot and hunt. When something crosses their path they spring out at it. As a symbol, the spider itself is rich with meaning in cultures throughout the ages. As hunters they illustrate patience in dealing with major issues facing you. Their web represents your life and your destiny...that it is what you weave, what you make of it. That you are intricately connected to your past and your future and every person that has ever been woven into your life. The spider's body is shaped like the infinity symbol and represents your infinite nature throughout time...that your life is a ripple that goes on forever. Often referred to as "the mother", she is a sign of strength and creativity and her nimble movements point towards keeping the balance in all things.

Did this make me feel better? Yes, actually. If their presence represents patience and I am stomping on them at every turn, what does that say about my level of patience? Are there decisions we are facing that require slow investigation from all angles to see how best to creatively weave the future? Hells yes! Does it keep me from squashing the little buggers? Probably not. Luckily, however, I haven't seen any in weeks. I have even stopped looking under the beds and shaking out anything I touch. Mostly.

And, for now, we are really quite happy in this space. There is a bit of calm we have needed and couldn't find inside the bus lately. Particularly as the weather starts to turn.

Oh, sure, the kids are already asking when we can get back in the bus and take a road trip. And it is hard to predict just what the next adventure will be with all our crazy ideas. But we know that, through it all, you are just as curious as we are to see what we do next. Here's to learning from the past, living in the moment and throwing darts at the future!! Enjoy weaving your webs :)

What is an immigrant?

This question is on my mind a lot lately. I know you all require much updating since I have not posted since May...and I will oblige with some images and timeline references scattered throughout. But first please allow me to meander :) What is an immigrant? It is defined as "a person who comes to live permanently in a foreign country". I don't know that this family ever does ANYTHING permanently! We are like the ROMA - kicking about in the tides and slightly unnerving to those who have no call to the road (or the sea). And, yet, we are now residents of Canada. My travels as an exchange student, my current work as a volunteer with YFU, the current political climate in the US and the floods of refugees all swim in my head as I consider what it means to be an immigrant beyond what one finds written on the page. This summer had us travelling back "home" again after being gone for almost a full year.

They say you can't go home again. I disagree and go home again and again and again.

We went home in planes, trains, and automobiles to the memories of who we were, the knowledge of who we are now, to those with fewer memories and a new little one with memories yet to be had. We went home to find our others...

I think about all these people that I LOVE and MISS soooooo much. But how hard is it for me really when I know I will and can go back. That, despite how desperate things may look to me financially at times...not seeing my family isn't in question the way it is and has been for so many immigrants. What would it be like to never see these faces again?

And then I consider what it takes to pack up your things and move to another place. Sure, I've done it. I packed two suitcases and went to Germany for a year when I was on exchange. I thought that was pretty hard...what do you choose? As a teen, nonetheless. We did it to move into the bus. However, as a teen I returned home after that year to my family and my possessions that I left behind. Even as an adult with a family we still have memorabilia and stuff in storage that we can return to from time to time. I realize that not all immigrants are in the most dire situations when they move. But think about your lives for a moment. What would make you pick and choose through your possessions, pack up what you could, take some of your family members (if you could) and move to a totally different country where you may not know the language or the culture? And possibly may not be able to afford, or be allowed, to return to your homeland again?

While my children were being very well cared for by my relatives, I was fortunate to volunteer at the National Pre-Departure Orientation for the Youth for Understanding Exchange Program. This is where we prepare the next generation of exchange student to go off into the world. First off, I am privileged to spend time with these people. The team leaders and staff are some of the most passionate and compassionate people I have ever met. We understand each other, as one former exchange student to another, and for 5 days I renew and absorb as much as I can from them. Secondly, the students there give me hope for the world of tomorrow. And, lastly, I always reflect on how difficult it is for me to leave my children...even for just 5 days. They are what I do and what I know and, while I am well aware of what a blessing the distance and space and renewal are for me, I consider what it must be like to immigrate away from your children. Or as a child away from your parents. There is a really beautiful scene in the movie BROOKLYN that I think paints this picture so well. Or in JOURNEY OF NATTY GANN, when you have no idea if your child is being well-cared for. Granted, these are old references. Today is a different world with Skype and the Internet and travel. For some of us.

Our trip came to an end and we returned to the place we currently call home. And to daddy!

Who is extremely patient with all of his wife's crazy ideas and talk of "faith in the process":)

We became involved in camps and found parks and water play and friends and lots to be involved in.

Which makes me think about what we tell exchange students. "When you first arrive, you will be so overwhelmed with the change and the differences in culture that you may experience culture shock". We tell them the warning signs and that the best antidote is, contrary to how you feel, get out into the world and get involved. We do this, partly because I know it from experience. I wonder, does anyone talk to immigrants about this? When they are depressed or lonely or homesick and keeping to themselves, do other people reach out and try to connect with them and pull them out of their shell? Or do they point at them and say things like, "Why can't they learn the language?", "Why do they only hang out with people like them?", "Why don't they try to integrate into our country if they are going to live here?". Maybe they would. Perhaps they just need some help. A friendly face. A cup of tea.

I think about how difficult it can be to be us sometimes - this particular family. The judgement and the criticism for being different. People trying to classify us in their minds one way or another to make it feel OK for themselves. "Oh, they're eccentric (or artsy or trendy or drug addicts or uncouth or unmotivated or jaded or lazy or whatever). Or needing us to portray some ideal that they want to achieve and cannot so that when we fall short of the mark it is immediately pointed at. And, yet, we can "afford" to be counter-culture. We can blend. We can be their ideal if they need that. It is a luxury that many immigrants do not have. If they do not assimilate to the standards and projected image of others, they are treading too heavily on the comfort zones of those who can barely expand their circle wide enough to include themselves. I guarantee that if things went really, really south in their country, they would be the first to pack and find a new flag to wave. Have not most of us changed jobs, neighbourhoods, schools? Except those that cannot even afford to push themselves into the next town, though I speculate they would if they could. Where is the chant within our own borders "they are coming to take our stuff?" What is the difference if your job is on this side of the line or that? The chant exists still...it is the small town that complains of the city-folk moving in, the gentrification, school systems that wax and wane with students and the school board that lures them in and then complains about the burden. The chant always exists, we just call it different things according to where we are and who is treading on us. Immigrants, northerners, southerners, out-of-staters, tourists, locals, etc. Are we not all people? Should we never have crossed the land bridge?!?! Or if the apes hadn't moved into the grasslands and stood, where would we be then?!?!

When we returned there was an eerie, smoky haze cast over the sun. The haze dissipated for a while and has actually since returned. It feels ominous to me. Like a warning. Like a message not to be ignored. The fires affecting people we know in Canada. The flooding affecting people we know in Texas. The hurricane affecting people we know in Savannah. And these are just the people we know in places we have friends and family. Somehow, this is the new normal.

So what am I trying to say? I don't know. Maybe we have no idea how long we are here. Or what the future holds. So don't just be with the ones you love. Love the ones you are with. No matter who they are or how different they are. Reach that hand out and give them a leg up, a smile, a cup of coffee, some coins for the vending machine. Because the next time you reach out, maybe it is you that needs the hand.