So I have this fear...Ok, it's closer to a phobia really. I have worked hard in my life to get over my fear of spiders, to not be obvious about it so as not to pass this along to my children. However, it has recently become evident to me that I am less "over it" than I have pretended.
I suppose I should back up. This fall we found a fantastic place to land for the school year. It is a small cabin we are renting out from people who needed to go abroad for work. The idea was that we could park in the driveway and stay in the bus and, then, if we needed someplace warmer for a cold winter, we could move indoors. Rent was rent regardless. I was excited about the prospect of a space to use IF WE NEEDED IT, but had no intention of coming out of the bus. Long story short, the children had other ideas :) Day one bins started moving from the bus into the cabin and they set up shop. NO! I thought. I am NOT cleaning TWO places and looking everywhere for my stuff, which no longer lives in the place I always put it!
The kids, however, were loving their new found space to stretch out in...especially to get away from each other when they needed to. OK...fine. I can't disagree with them getting needed space and I could use the living room to set up a homeschool area. This worked well for a while, but I was NOT about to give up my bed. Especially since, and I reveal this at the expense of possibly losing potential house guests, there was a spider problem.
What's the big deal? They are just spiders, right? NOOOOOOO!!!! I have worked my way backwards from fear of spiders to holding daddy long legs, brushing out other lessor scary web-builders and even leaving spiders in their roost for weeks or months at a time to prove I could handle having them there. They aren't going to hurt you, right? Luckily, in this cabin we don't have the hobo spiders that are common to the area...but we do have WOLF SPIDERS!!! My least favorite, next to tarantulas. When they run across the room, not only can you hear them, but I often mistake them for a mouse (which I prefer). The first morning there were TWO GIANT ONES sitting next to us in the corner (vacuumed). The second day one ran out from under the table TOWARDS the youngest and made aggressive moves AS IF IT WERE GOING TO ATTACK HER!!! (she had a panic attack and still looks under the table). I found 23 WOLF SPIDERS IN THREE WEEKS (more than one a day)!!!!!! I wouldn't sit on the couch for almost a month after seeing one on it. I saw one run towards the guinea pigs and they ran!!!! For two months I shook out every thing I picked up off of a floor, chair, stairs, etc in case one was hiding - waiting to pounce at me.
The covered word in this pic says "wonder", but in this case the word "spiders" applies equally. But I started to really think about that...I started to WONDER about SPIDERS, which I will come back to in a moment.
In the meantime, we started up with a new year of homeschooling and another year as a part of the "Spider" homeschool group, coincidentally.
Or was it a coincidence? Homeschooling is something I also had a bit of a fear of. Not a phobia, per se. But I definitely project an air of comfortability about it that I think a real homeschooler doesn't always feel. And why is that? I think because there is always doubt put on you from others who do not support or understand homeschooling and always, always, in everything self-doubt. Am I doing the right thing? Are they learning enough? Do they have enough time with peers? What will they do next? I also don't like it when scary things that I cannot control or know little about jump out at me from some dark place. And it is the same to be a homeschooler. The unknown. There is no routine, unless I make it. There is no real right and wrong. There are no clear cut lines between grades or ages or abilities or identities. There is this blur of time and space and moving with it and the unknown and a fluidity that can be terrifying.
And enlightening. And homeschool is just that. When it is needed, that fluidity, it calls to you and you (if time and money and inclination all point in your favor) become a homeschooler. And when it stops speaking to you or one or more of your children, you step back into that place of structure. That hard, fast learning super-highway that, if you hold on tight, will speed you through a barrage of information and offer you a framework to live by. It is all about what each individual and each family needs and about balance.
I watch families maneuver in and out of these systems. Some feeling too pressured within the brick and mortar to be able to excel and some feeling not enough challenge from either system. I am grateful that we can see benefits in every direction and are open and fluid enough to move with our needs. I am also grateful to have experienced both sides. Grateful for the people we deal with in our caring Spider community and the people I meet from brick and mortar who are supportive of all schooling regardless of what it looks like. And, for now, when I let go of those judgemental, self-effacing voices in my head and think of all the things we have learned (because it is a we), and all the things they know and are preparing for, I breathe and slow and calm. They will go on and on and on. Learning.
Some things we have been working with lately...
writing our own stories, shadow puppetry, designing and sewing our own dolls, escher-style drawings and the mathematics of geometry, the AWESOMENESS of Science World, felting, visiting art studios and seeing their tools, balance and movement/jiu jitzu, poetry and acrostic poems, more book binding, math games, great books (like Cinder-Eyed Cats, Richard Scarry, 39 Clues, LOTR, etc.), lego (always) and sword-making (always), guitar and even more!
At home we lost power in the bus one night and I quickly realized that I could no longer hold off sleeping in the house. The gig was up. So, I started to research spiders a bit - specifically wolf spiders. There is, as I mentioned, fear in the unknown. Maybe if I learned more I would be less fearful. Here is what I found out:
Wolf spiders are not web-builders. They hide in a dark spot and hunt. When something crosses their path they spring out at it. As a symbol, the spider itself is rich with meaning in cultures throughout the ages. As hunters they illustrate patience in dealing with major issues facing you. Their web represents your life and your destiny...that it is what you weave, what you make of it. That you are intricately connected to your past and your future and every person that has ever been woven into your life. The spider's body is shaped like the infinity symbol and represents your infinite nature throughout time...that your life is a ripple that goes on forever. Often referred to as "the mother", she is a sign of strength and creativity and her nimble movements point towards keeping the balance in all things.
Did this make me feel better? Yes, actually. If their presence represents patience and I am stomping on them at every turn, what does that say about my level of patience? Are there decisions we are facing that require slow investigation from all angles to see how best to creatively weave the future? Hells yes! Does it keep me from squashing the little buggers? Probably not. Luckily, however, I haven't seen any in weeks. I have even stopped looking under the beds and shaking out anything I touch. Mostly.
And, for now, we are really quite happy in this space. There is a bit of calm we have needed and couldn't find inside the bus lately. Particularly as the weather starts to turn.
Oh, sure, the kids are already asking when we can get back in the bus and take a road trip. And it is hard to predict just what the next adventure will be with all our crazy ideas. But we know that, through it all, you are just as curious as we are to see what we do next. Here's to learning from the past, living in the moment and throwing darts at the future!! Enjoy weaving your webs :)
